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two nights ago it was sunday night. we had missed our usual weekend sex-capade nights of friday and saturday. i knew he would want sex on sunday night, but i was so tired and had a big day at work the next day, that when we got to bed at 11pm, i just assumed we wouldn’t have sex, and mentioned as much to him. “mm-hmm” was his response as we lay there playing games on our mobile phones. pretty soon i turned off the night, and we snuggled as usual. then he pulled me closer, even closer, and as i started protesting, he pushed a finger deep into my cunt. it made me gasp, and he pumped it in and out of my slightly dry pussy once or twice, enough for him to feel i was wet enough, i guess, and then he rolled me onto my stomach, and began fucking me with his cock.

this sounds so depressingly non-consensual, doesn’t it? recently i came across someone who mentioned how sad it made them to read in my blog how my husband rapes me. my goodness. i would be sad too if that were the case! and the above would sound a bit perplexing to the uninitiated, i do understand that.

anyway, he started fucking me. and it was fast, and rough, and rougher, and faster, and i got so insanely wet that he could go deeper and deeper, and he hoisted me up onto my knees, pushing my face still into the pillow, and ramming in a particularly deep and sore angle, and i was wet but it was killing me, and i was panting and gasping, and with three or four massive pushes deep inside me as i cried out … he came … and when he got his breath, he told me, “i was always going to fuck you tonight. you just thought you had a say in it.”

well, that sounds like rape, doesn’t it? yet in my marriage, this has been pre-negotiated months and months ago. if i really don’t want to have sex – for emotiona, physical, mental, or any other reason, if i just can’t do it, if i Don’t. Want. To. Do. It. … i just safeword. i just say “safeword” and he stops immediately and we turn 110% vanilla and he cares for me and gives me anything i need. meanwhile, we’ve talked for years about my fantasies for having no control, for serving, for obeying, for submitting, and also, my rape fantasies.

therefore, i know that i am always entirely safe, and that the scenes we play in the bedroom and in the house and the car and the restaurant and and and … those scenes have been discussed in theory months ago, and as long as they still work for me, then they still work for us.

i am not such a slave that i give up entire consent. i negotiated my consent, and i am free to withdraw it. i simply get so insanely turned on by our sex life and our power dynamics that i 100% go with it and hand over control to him. why would i safeword when this is how i am aroused beyond compare? when this is how he and i relate sexually so perfectly?

this isn’t rape. this is play. this is power exchange. this is negotiation. this is consent. this is just very, very confusing to the outsider, that’s all.