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we would end up in bed late enough for me to use being tired as an excuse. he would snuggle up to me and kiss and caress me, and i would freeze up. would this turn into a big bdsm session and destroy my hopes to finally get a decent night’s sleep? if i reciprocated at all, would he expect sex rather than cuddles? if i touched his penis, even accidentally, would he take that as a signal to go full throttle? if i didn’t respond, would he think i didn’t love him? i’d go in circles, tense up physically, and hate myself. he’d generally just give up, give me a goodnight kiss, and we’d both sleep facing the wall.

over time, he stopped even the kissing and caressing, because it was safer than being rejected constantly. i felt less loved, and hated myself because i knew there’s only so much rejection anyone (male or female!) can take, and i loved him so much but felt so paralysed about sex. we’d talk about how to make things better, and find any excuse to reassure ourselves. we’d go through periods of incredible sex frequently – and then suddenly it would stop.

and when we were in a good phase – sometimes that was killed due to problems with my body. i had periods of extreme dryness, thrush-like symptoms, i’d have recurring conditions flare up, and of course, there’s always the period. sometimes it felt like we could never actually have penetrative sex even if we had wanted to.

when we did have sex, it was amazing as long as it was heavily, HEAVILY kinked. the more extreme the toys, the happier we were. humiliation, roughness, begging – they worked for both of us. so then the next morning i would hate what i had done, and worry that he would expect me to behave the same way the next time. even more paralysing.

and then one weekend we started sending kinky SMSs to each other, and he told me to use a butt plug on myself. i obeyed. and from little things, big things grow. interestingly, the dryness has seemed to disappear (psychological, i suspect!). our sex now is always kinked, inherently – though it isn’t necessarily rough and violent. it can be loving and vanilla-esque, but it’s still insanely hot. my mind no longer has even an opportunity to get trapped in that vicious cycle. i obey, and the second i think about being obedient in the bedroom … i can feel my pussy getting wetter and wetter. i can be anywhere, and have a random memory or fantasy float across my mind, and i feel my panties getting soaked. before he comes to bed, i play out a fantasy in my mind, and get excited about his arrival, and when he does join me, i’m sopping wet and desperate to feel owned.

at the same time, i know that if it starts to suddenly go sour, i have a loving and understanding husband who will listen to my concerns and work through it with me. so i don’t even have to worry, because i know no matter what, we will still have a strong marriage and a lot of love.

that is why being a sexually submissive wife has worked for me.