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he says as he buckles me into the night’s outfit. this was a while ago, but it takes a bit of … time to pass before i feel up to talking about it.

so he had me in full bondage gear. the gimp mask, arm binders, ankle restraints, posture collar, penis gag, i was carefully positioned on my back on an array of pillows on the bed and then he attached the spreader bar with my knees bent up. my legs fell open and i could feel my cunt lips spread open too. he rearranged the pillows, and then i heard the familiar metal chink of the speculum. i was so effectively immobilised i didn’t even think about a moment of sexy struggling; i just frantically willed my cunt to relax.

he slid it in, ever so carefully and gently, it was freezing cold in me which i know he likes to do to me. he likes the shiver.

this isn’t the new part. i love the speculum. this was heavenly.

he cranked it open. i love that sensation. wider. wider. wider. uncomfortable. wider. ow. straining. wider. and then my mind breaks and realises my husband is forcing my cunt to open as wide as possible and i can’t stop him and he owns my cunt and he’s opening it just the way he wants it. and i swoon.

and i hear him switch off most of the lights and leave just the corner light on.

and then i hear various random noises. and then the whirr click of his camera. taking photos. of my cunt.

fuck this makes me feel slightly queasy just recalling it.

i jerked instinctively, which of course makes the speculum shift slightly, which makes me panic, which makes me moan, and of course this doesn’t upset him at all. click click click. more photos. he starts talking to me. about how beautiful my cunt is, how he wants to be able to look at these photos later. how he can see me getting wet. how he can see deep inside me, all the parts he owns. how i can’t stop him. how i’m not allowed to stop him. how he owns me. that ownership gives him the right to do this.

so humiliating. i don’t really think my cunt is so attractive like that, you know? i’m stuck in the Sports Illustrated headspace of lithe tanned bodies and no body hair. i can’t imagine him liking seeing my plain old normal quirky cunt in the harsh glare of a camera flash. this can’t be sexy.

he keeps telling me it is, how much he loves this.

he pulls my legs here and there, adjusts the speculum, moves the pillows, takes more photos, puts me in the position he wants to get the angle he wants. i panic more and more, i compulsively clench around the speculum, it hurts, i whimper, he takes more photos, i start sobbing around the penis gag, he takes more photos, i realise how powerless i am and i fall silent, he takes more photos.

finally finally he stops. puts a finger inside me and gently strokes the exposed parts of me. praises me. reminds me of my role as his slave. releases and pulls out the speculum. removes the spreader bar. removes the pillows, unbuckles the posture collar, releases me enough to be able to sink his cock deep into my stretched cunt, he wraps his arms around me, envelops me, surrounds me, looms above me, even with the hood on i sense him all around me, and he fucks me, not hard nor soft, just fucks fucks fucks me as i gasp compulsively over and over again, and he unbuckles my arm binders and i wrap my arms around him, and cling to him, and he fucks me, and he cums inside me, and i’m crying, and he held me a long, long time and helped me come back to myself.

and i can’t really tell you how i feel about all this. i know he’ll look at those photos. i’m relieved to know he actually likes them. i’m queasy thinking how there was no element of consent. i’m surprised to find that really, that doesn’t make a difference, because i wouldn’t have refused him anyway, and i do believe it’s his right to do that to me.

i think i feel so funny about it because it was so definitely something i wouldn’t have chosen for myself. at all. there aren’t many of those things left. so to find something that makes me feel truly debased … this is rare.