After reading Luna’s post, I’ve been mulling over the idea of talking about the bad parts of being my husband’s sex slave. How much will it ruin the mystique and romance I’ve built up on this blog? How much will it scare away my audience? How much will it dissuade people who want to try out this lifestyle? In the end I decided that I’d rather be upfront and honest about it, get it out of the way now, and then from here on continue to be happily erotic, filthy, and turn myself on every time I type a post. So here goes.
The bad parts are when I snap and decide I want no more of it. My libido simply breaks under it all, and I become essentially mentally frigid for a week or two. I can’t see the positives of the lifestyle at all, I can’t fathom why I would hand over control. I just cannot do it, and I can’t see a future where I could do it again. This happens about once every 3 months, and it certainly is scary. The first time we had wild discussions and he had to calm me down a lot. Ultimately we are in a relationship where we respect and adore each other, and there’s no point letting sex get in the way of blissful partnership. So once I relaxed about it, we’d agree to take some time off. After a week or two, I’d find myself fantasising at night. Then would come the torturous stammered conversations where I would try and explain that I wasn’t lying before, I was just … confused? And now I’m back and want to submit! He would take this in his stride, ease me back into it, and off we’d go. Until the next libido breakdown.
So now we agree that when those moments happen, we simply roll with the punches, let my libido do its thing, and check in regularly to be clear and consensual about when we want to start again. And when I’m ready, consent flies out the window and it’s servitude again, thorough and utter and degrading and ecstatic, and I couldn’t imagine not doing this, and on we go.
That’s the thing. It isn’t straightforward. It isn’t set in stone. My sexuality is fluid, and my mind is ever-changing, and – though this may sound to some of you a very UN-slave thing to say – ultimately I need to be able to say ‘no’ in that moment of panic and trust that he will wait out the storm with me.
This has meant that over the past 9 months now, we’ve been able to weather those storms, and continue to deepen our Master/slave relationship. Those are the bad parts, and they’ve turned out to be the proof that what we are doing CAN continue, and CAN succeed. It makes it easier to give up entirely when I know that I will be listened to when I hit that brick wall.