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I meant to mention – earlier this week I had my first punishment. I had been incredibly horny, and I pounced him when he got to bed. He fucked my cunt for a while, and pulled out without cumming. We lay there gasping and generally very happy. I started to drift off to sleep. He went and got a butt plug and pushed it into me quite roughly. It started to burn so I started to complain. I want to go to sleep, etc. He explained that this was happening whether or not I liked it, as punishment, because I forgot to clean his cock off using my mouth. 

I felt like SHIT. Just atrocious. And it still hurt in my ass. And he told me it was staying in all night. And I started to panic. So he gave me a choice – 5 hard strokes of the cane, or the butt plug. I didn’t hesitate – I chose the cane. He pulled out the butt plug, not particularly gently either, and immediately began to REALLY punish me. REALLY hurt me. If we were just subbie/dom, I would have tapped out and safeworded after just one. But I had to count through them. “One, master. Two, master.” They hurt incredibly badly. It was really horrible. But it’s like everyone says – the good thing about punishment is it externalises the self-hatred for being a failure – and it transfers it into physical sensation, and as it passed, I was able to let go of the anger at myself for failing him.

It was a quick little night and scene, and in a way it pushes me further down into the headspace, because it was proof that I am held to certain standards of behaviour, and if I neglect my duty, I will be forced to undergo pain that I don’t enjoy. I will be forced to – I don’t ask for it, it happens to me, and it keeps me down there. So punishment was really effective. Probably helped prepare me for the debasement of last night; this week has been pretty intense overall!