I do get it, though. If he uses me a lot during times when I’m not in the mood, there’s a genuine risk I’ll need some time out, perhaps a renegotiation of our rules. What can be so hot as a fantasy can sour so easily when it’s brought to life. And he wants me to take things a lot slower, he is worried that we will hit the wall we’ve hit before – where I turn around and say “I can’t do this any more!” And that was just about submissive sex with plenty of safewords, in the past. So he wants me to take smaller steps, feel happy and confident about what we’re doing, and not seek out such strong debasement and humiliation. He wants to take care of me, and I can’t argue with that. I also don’t want to hit the wall – I don’t want to have to log on here one day and say, embarrassed, that I’m back to being ‘just’ a submissive, after all my braggadocio. I don’t want to disappoint him night after night, now that I know that if he has his own way, he wants to take me repeatedly throughout the day and night and hurt me in a million little ways. I don’t want to lose what we have.
But at the same time, it’s like an addiction – I’m spending far too much time on Tumblr, WordPress and various story sites. I’m craving the next hit, and it needs to be bigger and better. Just being forced to have sex every night is so passe for me, and I want to seek out the next way I can feel that I’m genuinely obeying, submitting, serving, opening myself up to him. And because I’ve always had strong rape fantasies, that’s the way my mind and body is turning – get closer to being raped, by someone who loves me and who I can’t run away from. It’s a heavenly fantasy.
So far it’s working out well in reality. I’m still in love with my man, and I still want to be used by him, and I still adore him, and I still look forward to bedtime. But let’s be honest – it’s been not even 2 months of this sexuality, scarcely more than 1 month. I’ve been around the kinky/fetish/bdsm traps long enough to know that this is just a noob infatuation of mine, and we’re not into long-term, genuine, lifestyle sexual slavery and obedience. It’s still just fun and games. So there’s a tricky balance between trying to prove to him, to me, how genuine I am, and taking care of myself to make sure we can make to 3, 6, 12 months.
And I desperately DO want to get there. Because I have vague shimmering ideas of what the future holds for us, based on some comments he’s made. There’s a lot more control of my sexual behaviour, body, dress code, there’s a lot more integrated into my daily life, and there’s things that I know will be a lot harder to take than some rough, slightly irritating sex. I just need to make sure I don’t let my current craving for strong sexual humiliation to get in the way of his and my long term dreams of simple, stoic, constant submission. His ownership needs to extend beyond the bedroom, and at that point, I’ll be closer to being the slave I want to be. We just need to get there.
Any advice on balancing this stuff?