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i’m generally pretty good with words, concepts, terminology, writing, speaking … so let me try and break this down. and please, leave your comments, because i’d appreciate some input.

the thing is, i could come at this from a very analytical perspective, thinking about my youth, my sexual inclinations, the books i read (de sade at 14 – my schoolteachers didn’t know what to do with THAT book review). i could see this whole sexual discovery i’m going through as a practised, conscious decision, from a pragmatic and thoughtful individual.

but that doesn’t go far enough. playing around with control and power exchange, with bdsm, was what we spent 7 years doing. it’s easy enough for me. i could play very heavy – anal hooks, gimp hoods, knives, face slapping, speculum, spreader bar, cunt whipping – and at the end of the night, we would just stop. but for those few hours, i’d be utterly at my husband’s mercy. so why did i feel the need to take it further? hadn’t i already experienced power exchange and sexual submission?

this is where i can only take it to a more emotional, instinctive level of analysis. that ultimately, i am far more sexual than i realised, but that i subconsciously see myself as here to serve, not to be served. and i think i now understand – to serve my husband, i need it to be total, i need to not be able to turn away from him in bed at the end of the night.

i think that i’ve turned into such a slut for him, such a sexual creature, so wet, so willing, because i’m finally obeying consistently and utterly. my sexuality isn’t under my control any more. so finally, all that heavy play isn’t just a pasttime or hobby. finally it defines my sexuality, because he defines it for me. and he is turning into me into the obedient wife he wants me to be.

by handing over so much control, i’ve tapped into a whole other way of being sexual, and when i get right into the core of my sexual identity, i think that i believe i am not entitled to control myself. as i’ve signed a contract to be with my husband forever, and as i’ve admitted for years that i’m submissive sexually, i think at the heart of it, i realise i’m not supposed to control my cunt, my ass, my mouth. that as a good wife, i should be submissive, and that i will finally know peace and sexual release.

it’s about realising that ultimately, i’m not supposed to be able to say ‘no’. my place and role is to give in entirely. it’s what is supposed to happen to me, and inside me, my cunt knows it. and that’s why it’s so wet for him constantly now, why being under his control is the biggest turn-on for me ever.

Submissive female on her knees

it’s why i presented myself to him for anal sex without a question. why i begged for more afterwards. because anal sex is me being used with absolutely no regard for my own pleasure. it’s just presenting the tightest hole to be used by his cock. that’s all i should be thinking about: presenting myself to be used.